Thursday, August 25, 2005
secret diary
something has to give... is it me?
i hate the way meds make me feel. loopy and strange, fuzzy and out of focus. more importantly i hate how they make me think and act and basically change who i am.
the only time i ever seriously consider divorcing my husband is when i am on psychiatric medication. this worries me. am i happy with him only when i am not sane? or is it that when i am hopped up on meds i just dont give a fuck any more and not giving a fuck makes me wish i was alone. because i do.
here's a secret:
today i wish i wasn't married and didn't have a baby. i wish i was all alone. i even wished my dog would be gone.
it started simple, i wished my husband would just shut up. but then i thought, i just wish he was far far away from me. then i was like... and i wish he took Megan too. (here's another thing, the more depressed i am the more i am likely to call her 'the baby' instead of by her name; i think this means something but, not being a psych major i wouldn't know) for five solid minutes i actually fervently dreamed of running into my livingroom and saying, 'get the hell out and take her with you.' then i wished that someone would come kidnap my dogs or that they'd get out and run away or that my husband would take them with him. and then; shameful as this is i wished they were all dead. I don't want to kill them; I am not homicidal although at this moment in time I think there's a big YET looming somewhere beside me... I hate this.
I hate feeling like I do. I feel inadequate and ugly. i can barely stand the sound of my own voice much less the sight of myself in a mirror. yet yesterday I was FINE!! I was awesome, I sparkled, I was great... but today i am back to being sucky. life sucks and i suck with it.
how do you know when you want a divorce?
5 Comments:
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Angela! I'm feeling overwhelmed FOR you...emailing you now. hope things have improved since you posted!
Angela-
I hope you are doing alright! I feel really badly for you...If you want a random strangers' shoulder to cry on, please email me!
Take care of yourself!
Please Please don't give up. Can you talk to your doctor? Maybe take a diary or copy of this blog so he can really understand from day to day how you feel? There's gotta be an answer for you, but people and there bodies/minds don't respond the same way so maybe there's something besides Prozac that will help you?. As far as divorce, I'd say wait 'til things are more settled before making decisions. The tragedy that is occuring because of the hurrican affects us all. I wish you didn't have that to think about that too. :-(. If none of rambling helps, just know someone is trying to help.
Angela, I feel for you. I recognize some of the feelings you are feeling and i'm hoping that you are feeling better today. May i suggest that perhaps you need to try another medication, one that does not give you such bad side effects? There are so many helpful meds out there today. Things can change for the better. ((((((Hugs))))
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