So it's 16 days until I have surgery. I'm having the gastric bypas with a silastic ring surgery. Cuz you know, I'm fat. And I am freaking out. I told my sister if I died I wanted to give her my heart and lungs, but she doesn't think we'd be a match. I feel like an asshole for being able to go in and have elective surgery at what seems like a whim when she is a possible candidate for transplanted organs. It's Christmas time and I am prickly about Christmas. evil prickly. Who cares? I think this may have more to do with the fact that I am spending my birthday in an empty hotel room in Longbeach, BY MY FREAKING SELF, the night before my surgery (let me state that this was MY idea before anyone casts aspersions on my family) than it does with me not being in the mood for Christmas. Oh sure, there's the trees and the presents and the lights and the sparkle. Yay sparkle. Yay giving. But there's also a big scary world of I DONT KNOW exactly how I will be after the surgery food and even mobility wise. I am straight-up scared S--TLESS that even though I am down for a laproscopic surgery they will end up having to give me the open version and I will be in a huge ammount of pain.

Megan walking around telling me that she is going to be worried about me DOES NOT HELP. Little kids, especially one who channels her dead great grandmother (who's not even related by blood) on a regular basis*I will talk about this again sometime, showing worry, freak me out. I want to look at her and say, "what do you know baby?" Like she's one of the cute kids on Medium.

So I decided to write a letter to my husband. Here's a brief excerpt, sorry I clipped all the majorly naughty bits out, you'll have to read my porno blog for that, hahaha just kidding:

I am scared out of my mind about this stupid, retarded, expensive, ridiculous surgery. Scared that it won't work. Scared that I LET myself be fat for the rest of my life because it would keep the status quo; I wouldn't be rocking the boat. I know what to expect when I leave the house fat; I don't have to worry about people looking at me appreciatively or talking to me in any other way than they do already. I can hide my fear of things behind the simple excuse of "I'm to big to do that". What will I do without my excuse?

And even though I am scared, I want to be thinner to be thinner. I am tired of being tired, I am tired of not caring, I am tired of being out of breath, and I am tired of slip on shoes because I can't bend over to wear my tennis shoes. I am so f--king tired of everything. Some days I am even tired of eating. What will life be like when I am not tired? When I have energy and sparkle?

And at the same time , god, at the same time I want to be thinner, flatter. I want to be able to have you hold me and pull me to you and make me feel as if I were a part of you. I want you to be able to stand up straight and hug me, not bend so your body conforms to the slant of my belly to my chest. I want to discover my body with you. More than anything I want to be able to have you hold me and have the physical representation of our love, ok yeah whatever, sex, be what it should be and not a stilted stuttered production that it sometimes is.

So that's that then. Goodnite.