i want my grandma.

it's funny. this should be one of the happiest periods of my life ever. for the first time in my life I have less than one hundred pounds to lose before I am normal sized. I've gone from 385lb to 227lbs in 10 months. From a BMI of 68 to 40, so from the extreme extreme of super extreme morbidly obese to the very low side of extremely obese which starts at 40. ( Overweight is from 25-29.9, Obese is 30-39.9, Extremely Obese is 40-50, and Super Obese is over 50 I was 68 and now I am 40.) I weigh less than I did in my FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL I so weigh less than I did when I got married, met my husband, etc etc etc. I barely remember weighing this little. I looked in the mirror the other day and couldn't recognize my BODY. It was missing.

so ontop of the depression thing there's also an identity crisis thing that I wasn't really expecting to happen quite yet. oh it's been on the sidelines here and there creeping up, but I've been pretty good at beating it back. Unfortunately, when I get depressed, my defenses are not so good and it gets the best of me.

Me and Barry were talking about what to do as an anniversary celebration. Originally I was gonna do Disneyland, but I decided that 3 themeparks in one year was fucking insane and a waste of money (seaworld, knotts and disney? no way) so nix on that one. Plus I want to save it for a different day and disney at christmas time is a little to hectic. How about a different idea? Oh I was going somewhere with this but my mind totally blanked on me. crap. *yawn* I am so tired. and angsty. the stupamax as my sister told me it is sometimes called-- apparently if you are on the wrong dosage of topamax it can make you 'dumber than a box of rocks' hmmm sound like anyone we know of lately?! but also in accordance with this breaking the dosage up into two doses morning and night isnt reccomended either, so I am going to smoosh them together and see if that helps. either way im gonna see the doctors.

oh. anniversary. what should i do for my 1 year anniversary? I am going out on a limb here but I can say with reasonable certainty
that I will be pretty freaking close to being 200lbs or less by December 12, making my total weight loss for 1 year post op 185. (squeeeeee) I should start a stitchmarker sales thing for my reconstructive surgery. The power of the internet can be such a powerful thing, you know?

Meanwhile, I continue to wish I could just crawl under my bed, summon the tardis and find a way back to 1996 or some other date back in my childhood when my grandma was still alive and able to comfort me like nobody else. I'd miss my daughter and husband...